Countdown: 950 miles to go
Fear. What is it good for?
I think many folks thought I was crazy or just flat out lying when I told them I had no fear going into this ocean row. This is something I’ve struggled with many times in my life; people thinking I’m either in denial or suppressing my emotions simply because they can’t believe I would feel the way I do or be able to cope with things the way I do. The hardest and most annoying time was when my Dad died and both friends and family attempted to to tell me how I should feel or process his death, when in reality I had come to peace with his passing before he was dead. I appreciate that most of this “advice” came from a place of love, but I also found it to be fairly insulting and disrespectful, especially when people told me that I should feel bad. I’m not asking you to understand or relate with me, just accept me for who I am and don’t insult me for being different or not expressing my emotions the way you are accustomed. Ahhh well…
Back to fear…
Many reasons why I had no fear going into this: an experienced captain with a proven seaworthy vessel, an amazing support team on land, more backups than I can count, a solid and optimistic crew, favorable currents and winds (or so we thought), my own comfort levels in large waves due to my surfing experience, but most importantly, a complete lack of fear for death.
This probably stems from the death of my mom when I was 5, and how I eventually came to accept it. Death is one thing that we know for sure will happen to us, and at the same time it is in itself largely unknown (except perhaps for the many accounts of near-death experiences from people who have “miraculously” come back to life. These accounts alone should be enough for you to lose your fear, as it sounds like a spectacular and enlightening experience). I certainly don’t fear the unknown. Quite the opposite, I love it, and seek it out. So what better place to be than in the middle of the ocean, floating on top of the vast abyss. So much to learn, so much to see, so much unknown, waiting to be discovered.
Now, unfortunately, I think the crew mistook my joy and lack of fear in the face of danger as though I was not taking things seriously, or being careless or unrealistic. In reality, I take our situation very seriously (even more so than usual, knowing that Adam’s wife Becca is pregnant and with their 3-year-old back on land). I’m able to assess a broken oar scenario quickly and take what I think is the best action possible, which is to look at our situation and realize that a positive mind is stronger and drains less energy than a worried, stressed, or depressed one. That is what I think is our most effective tool in the challenges ahead. I’m also quietly happy for more drama and emotion, because after all, I’m making a film out here…hehehe.
Sometimes Too Optimistically yours,
Markus Pukonen